


in all this bitterness you stay so sweet

by stupidstuckonstucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Amnesiac Bucky Barnes, Amnesiac Steve Rogers, M/M, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Sort of? - Freeform, bc lbr cacw was a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 10:40:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8053156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidstuckonstucky/pseuds/stupidstuckonstucky
Summary: He remembers that he’s Captain America, remembers crashing a plane into the ocean.He doesn’t remember anything else.





	in all this bitterness you stay so sweet

He remembers that he’s Captain America, remembers crashing a plane into the ocean.

He doesn’t remember anything else.

**

Halfway around the world, the Asset awakens.

**

They fill him in on his past. They tell him his name is Steven Grant Rogers. He was born on the 4th of July, 1918 in Brooklyn, New York to Joseph and Sarah Rogers. Apparently, he had been sickly and severely underweight as a child, causing him to get rejected by the Army multiple times until a man named Dr. Erskine injected some kind of serum into him. The serum, he’s told, is what enabled him to become Captain America and survive the crash. The serum is the reason he’s still alive.

The agent in charge of briefing him, Agent Hill he thinks her name was, pauses when she mentions an Agent Margaret Carter but Steve just stares blankly back at her so she continues with her brief.

It gets too much after awhile. Too many names and places and events that are supposed to mean something to him but just don’t register.

Hell, he barely even recognizes his own name.

“Thank you, Agent Hill,” says a new voice in the room, “I think that’s enough for today.”

She gathers her belongings and reaches to take his file but he pulls it back.

“No!” he says, flushing when she raises an eyebrow. She smiles at him, kind almost, and retracts her hand. She exchanges a look with Director Fury as she leaves and it occurs to him then that she isn’t an ordinary agent. She’s essential to the agency and yet they’ve got her sitting around talking to him.

Looks like Captain America is more important than he thought.

“Doing alright there, Cap?”

“I’m fine,’ he says, scrubbing a hand over his face. “It’s just, a lot to take in.”

Fury nods. “I’m not even going to pretend to try to understand, Cap.”

Steve snorts. After all the tiptoeing that’s been happening around him today, he appreciates Fury’s bluntness.

“Look, I know it’s been a long day but there are some urgent matters that we need to discuss.”

Steve looks at Fury. His hands are clasped and placed on the table, back ramrod straight and this, this is something Steve recognizes.

“What’s the mission?”

**

Tony Stark reminds him of someone. Every time Steve looks at him, he sees a younger, thinner, happier even, version of Tony. They’re different and yet the defiant lift of his chin and wild glint in his eyes are eerily familiar.

Steve has to look away after awhile.

“Figures, the man spends his whole life looking for you and you don’t even remember him.”

**

“Bucky?”

The name falls out of his mouth before he even realizes what’s going on. It rolls off his tongue, more familiar than anything that’s crossed his path in the last 3 years. It feels like the wind is knocked out of him and he doesn’t even know why.

The Winter Soldier turns to face him, “Who the hell is Bucky?”

Steve just stares at him, gaping as the Winter Soldier raises his arm to shoot Steve and Steve just -

Lets him.

Later when they have a moment to catch their breath, Steve pulls Sam into a quiet corner, eyes cold and glaring at his new friend.

“Who was that?” he demands, hand tightening around Sam’s bicep. “Why did I know his name?”

Sam opens his mouth to say he doesn’t know but he catches the desperation in Steve’s eyes, sees the longing to regain a part of himself, and Sam hates that it’s him who has to break the bad news to Steve.

Sam lets out a sigh. “I didn’t know who he was, still don’t really know much about him apparently because according to our textbooks, the guy who is him has been dead for awhile. Clearly, there are a couple of footnotes missing.”

Steve frowns. “What do you mean he was in your textbooks? Why would they teach about the Winter Soldier in schools?”

“He wasn’t - _isn’t_ -,” Sam corrects himself, “Known as the Winter Soldier. To the rest of the world he’s known as Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Or - “

“Bucky for short,” Steve finishes. The hair at the back of his neck rise. “Military?”

Sam nods. He takes advantage of Steve’s confusion and removes his arm from Steve’s grip, slumping to the floor. “You, you might want to sit down for the rest of it.”

Something in Sam’s expression tells him not to argue so he sits next to Sam and leans back against the cool wall.

“Do you remember what they told you about the unit you formed?”

“The Howling Commandos. First integrated unit in history,” he says, trying but failing to hide the pride in his voice. He may not remember him but he’s glad that the person he was then shares the same morals as who he is now.

Sam smiles. “Yeah, yeah they were.”

“Was Buck - Sergeant Barnes,” he corrects, “Part of that unit?”

“Well, yes. But you and him go _waaay_ back man. Like even before they gave you the serum. The two of you grew up together.”

“Oh.” Bucky wasn’t just a part of his past, Bucky was his _entire_ past.

And yet, Bucky was here, with him in the future...?

Steve got the serum, that’s how he’s still here. But what about Bucky? If Bucky had gotten the serum, he would have been there when Steve woke up. He would have been there to help Steve recover. Bucky would have been by his side, he doesn’t know why but he’s sure of it.

But just like Steve didn’t recognize Bucky, Bucky didn’t seem to know who he was either.

A lump grows in Steve’s throat.

“What happened?” he asks, voice coming out strangled. He really doesn’t like where this is going.

“Something happened on one of your missions. He -,” Sam drops his gaze to his hands and dread pools in Steve’s stomach. “He fell off the train when you were capturing Armin Zola.”

Cold wind. Thick smoke. The chugging of the train engine.

It all flashes before him, one after the other and oh God he can’t fucking breathe.

He did this. He did this to Bucky.

“Easy, easy,” comes Sam soft murmuring. “Breathe with me, come on. In… out. In… out. You’re okay, you’re okay.”

“How - how is he still _alive_?”

“I honestly don’t know, Steve. Heck until you said his name, I didn’t even realize the Winter Soldier was Bucky Barnes. Hydra must have found him and kept him alive somehow.”

Bucky. God, all this time his best friend was alive and Steve couldn’t even remember him.

What kind of person forgets his best friend?

“It’s not your fault man,” Sam says and Steve realizes he must have said that last part out loud. “Only God knows how you, let alone the both of you, are still alive. The fact that you both can’t remember might just be a blessing.”

“Sam, we have to help him,” Steve pleads. He can't even begin to imagine all the years - no, _decades_ \- that Bucky spent being trained and experimented on by Hydra. 

It makes him want to throw up.

“Steve -”

“It’s _Bucky_ ,” Steve says and he can’t explain why but that means everything to him.

Sam sighs, mutters an _ah fuck it_ under his breath, and nods. “Yeah okay, man. I’m in.”

**

The memories hit him like a freight train.

He remembers -

Fists up, ready to take a swing with blood dripping down his face and a dull ache behind his eye, when Bucky appears and rescues him from another blow to the ribs.

He remembers -

Mrs. Barnes making dinner in the background as he and Bucky build a fort of blankets and couch cushions around little Becca, giggling and cooing in the middle of it all.

He remembers -

Wind in his hair, sun on his skin, and the smell of hot dogs and cotton candy as they run off to ride the Cyclone for the fourth time in a row.

He remembers -

Bile rising in his throat at the sight of Bucky’s hand around a neighborhood girl’s waist and the shame of feeling the way for his best friend the way he should a dame.

He remembers -

Watching Bucky fall. Remembers the complete horror and gut wrenching pain he felt as he watched until tears blurred his vision and Bucky was gone.

He remembers -

Feeling grateful when the plane hit the water, heart at peace thinking about how he’d soon be with Bucky again as water surrounds him.

He _remembers_.

“I’m not going to fight you,” he says, voice thick with emotion. He drops his shield, doesn’t even glance as it plummets to the ground below. “You’re my friend.”

Bucky growls, tackling him to the ground and snarling in his face. “You’re my mission.”

“You’re. My. Mission,” he repeats, punctuating each word with a blow to Steve’s face.

“Then finish it,” Steve says, voice hoarse and out of breath. “Cause I’m with you til’ the end of the line.”

Bucky stops, recognition and confusion flashing across his face. Steve reaches out to touch him but the floor falls from under him and this time, it’s him who's falling.

He falls. Everything around him is exploding, the wind rushing in his ears, but his eyes don't leave Bucky’s fading figure on the Helicarrier. He falls, down down down until water engulfs him and he’s sinking and _oh doesn’t this feel familiar_?

Then, there is only silence.

**

"You were smaller,” is the first thing Bucky says when Steve walks in and Steve lets out a soft chuckle.

It’s been a year.

A year since Bucky pulled him out of the Potomac and saved him. A year since he woke up in a hospital bed with Sam by his side and soft music playing in the background. A year since he decided that he was going to tear apart every Hydra base and do whatever it takes to find Bucky.

It’s been a year and Bucky is in his room.

“Yeah, that’s what they said too,” he says, taking a few steps forward. He wants to touch, wants to trace the lines of Bucky’s face and feel him warm and solid in his arms because he needs to know for sure that Bucky is safe and okay and _here_.

He tightens his grip on his duffel bag instead.

Bucky frowns. “You don’t know?”

Steve shakes his head. “I still don’t really remember much. Mostly just crashing a plane into the Arctic and now -,” he stops.

He doesn’t know if telling Bucky the truth is a good idea. Steve himself doesn’t remember all of it, just bits and pieces here and there. Plus, the him right now doesn’t know this Bucky well enough to be able to gauge how he’ll react and the last thing Steve wants is to trigger the Winter Soldier.

Bucky raises an eyebrow. “Now..?”

“Now,” he starts, biting back a smile when the beginnings of a scowl start to show on Bucky’s face. “I remember you, too,” he finishes, quieter than before.

Bucky just looks at him, long enough that Steve’s heart rate starts to pick up and his palms begin to get clammy. But Steve has never been one to back down from anything so he stares back at Bucky until finally, Bucky nods once.

“I don’t remember anything else either,” Bucky admits. “Just you.”

Steve sits down slowly next to Bucky, inching closer when Bucky doesn’t make any attempts to move. “Maybe we could try to remember together.”

Bucky turns to him, corners of his mouth quirked up in a faint smile, and an image of a young Bucky smiling, bright and blinding, flashes in front of him.

He thinks he understands now, why he did what he did before. If this Bucky is anything to go by, Steve would gladly tear apart the universe for this man.

“Together,” Bucky echoes and tangles their fingers together. “Til the end of the line, pal."

**

**Author's Note:**

> I can't remember what prompted this story but here it is! Hope people liked it! Hmu on stupidstuckonstucky.tumblr.com if you wanna say hi and cry about Steve, Bucky, and/or the folks who play them!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
